Smile and Look Forward

Yesterday, I experienced a beautiful combination of events, feelings, and people. These combined to provide me with an incredible blessing of a day. My euphoria lifted me above the clouds, above common sense, and so I stayed awake until around 1:00 am. Ha! I often ignore common sense, diving above or below it when my soul goes either direction. Tonight I will get to sleep at a good hour, for staying up that late clouds my thinking, makes for a tired morning. I did not care, though, because I felt incandescently happy and fizzy. In the not-so-distant past, I would let my regret for that choice, for staying up, hamper me even now. I would say to myself, "I was incandescently happy, but that shouldn't have kept me up. That was stupid. I know better. I can do better next time." I have felt more forgiving of myself lately, more patient. This does not mean that I will let myself grow lax; I can give myself positive reinforcement. Regret can drive a person only so far without dragging them down; regret, best used, should move one to hope for a different future, resolution to achieve that, and work, and then it should be released. I have lately dived into emotions like regret, sadness, confusion, anger... and for those who know me, these came from the break-up with my ex-girlfriend. That event is not the point of the post, though. Perhaps later, when appropriate.

Those negative emotions overwhelm me and stun me and cause me to feel, so greatly. I felt that if I focused on them while examining the reason they came about... well, I do not know what I expected. I wanted to learn, to impress on myself to not make the mistakes that brought these feelings around this time. And I suppose I had begun to feel connected, almost addicted, to these feelings. In the past, I realized that in my great times of happiness, I made many mistakes and grew careless. I had to stop letting myself grow so happy.
Well, I dive into negative emotions, think circles around them, heart beating with a mournful cadence, a quiet pounding, every thump a repressed wave of dark water, of hidden, soft mumbling from the lips of a child on the beach, the dark water wanting to embrace him.
Whew... I wax poetic on occasion. I got into that a little much, just now. And hey, only one or two brief moments got that bad. I do love thinking in circles, though...

Refocusing on the point:

I started yesterday well. I knew of many good things that I wanted to do. Which was best, though? I bounced around, indecisive. I read some of this book. I learned this song some more on the piano. I texted this person. That sort of thing. All this indecision led to doubt, slowly growing. What is the best use of my time!? What should I do? This doubt led me to an old-standby, a terrible thing of this world. I thought to myself, "That could wash it all away, could get rid of all these stupid feelings. It feels good. I could be free! I won't have to think about anything!" A very temporary solution, which does only long-term harm and very short-term "good".
In one pivotal moment, I remembered another good task to be done outside. We (my family) are expanding one window well on the side of the house. My sister will be living there, we plan to renovate that area of the basement, the window well needs to be up to code. There's the long and short of it. The ground next to this window well, though... well, I will just say that a pickaxe could serve me better than a shovel. We have no pickaxe, and I have just done the best I can with the shovel. Running into rock after rock began to dissuade me from this work, and after only 15 minutes, I went back inside. I then grasped a wispy thread of a desire to just let the darn rocks be hanged, and I went back out to do the job better, to approach it better. While doing that, I remembered to smile.

That smile worked the magic that a good smile can (a magic that I discovered recently), and my day looked up from there.

I dug through some very annoying rocks and accomplished good work. I had a fulfilling shift at my job as I began learning to value the company, find loyalty for the company, and work as a good steward for my boss (perhaps I will write more of that). I talked easily with a friend, a co-worker (not a mean feat, for me. I have times of great anxiety around people). The greatest blessing of the day came when reading the blog post of a good friend (or someone I want to be good friends with, anyhow). She posted about a recent discovery, a learning experience, which lifted her life to another level. This post brought me such powerful joy. Another friend has had good success in moving beyond her own heartbreak, in moving toward her future. I wrapped up the day watching an old Bing Crosby movie with yet another friend.

Now I worry, a little. Perhaps I elaborated too much, posing and posturing for people with all these words and talk of my learning. And I don't claim to have permanently learned these things! Writing about a thing and understanding it are two different concepts. I wrote that all, though, because I want to say some very specific things.

1. God wants to bless us. We must listen to and obey Him to receive these blessings.
2. A smile can work a magic that goes from the outside, in. Smile and nourish a good attitude about your troubles.

This link here (link) will take you to an article by Thomas S. Monson, the President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. The message helped me incredibly. I first read it a week ago, and it lifted me. I highly suggest reading this article, entitled "Living the Abundant Life". May we all smile a little more, rejoice with gratitude for goodness, and work a little harder for our good desires.