My Love/Hate Relationship with Words

I like the written word, quite a lot. However, I have difficulty using the written (or typed) word to communicate.

I use a recent example to illustrate my point, to provide the basis for the post. I recently emailed someone a question, and several other things. For reasons I did not grasp at the time, I should not have sent the email, but that isn't the point. This friend replied. A couple items in that email made me angry, but a part of me said that I could just ignore those items, let them go. A quick internal battle commenced, ending in the anger standing atop the peaceful part of me. With a desire to speak bluntly and honestly, disabusing notions in the email and reassuring (bluntly) this friend, I replied. Only after sending the email and receiving a response did I realize that the tone of the email was scathing, hurtful, brash, and disrespectful. If that conversation had happened in person, things would have been much better.

And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand-
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep- while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?

a segment of "A Dream Within a Dream" by Edgar Allen Poe

I refer to that poem, which I recently heard, because I wish very much to turn back the clock and re-do that moment, that correspondence. I cannot, and so "I weep!" I cannot, and so I wish to have the conversation again. I wish to have the conversation in person. Then I could remember tenderness, and the reality of speaking with another person, seeing their feelings. There lies the essence of this blog post: a wall separates myself and others when I text, when I email. I have just slightly begun to find tools to help with this (to imagine the person in front of me, for example), but it is too late for that conversation. It was too late the moment I started typing my reply. I hope for another conversation in the future, face to face, but it could take years to reach that point. I don't know.

(Here I diverge slightly from the main topic. Bear with me.)

My email hurt the other person very much, and when I now see this person in my mind, when I look over the separating wall, I realize that my words injured another human soul. I hurt someone. I intended clearness and bluntness, though it feels that my intentions do not matter one mote of sewage, for what I did would not change because of what I meant.

"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret."

Ambrose Bierce

There was no need for me to send that email. At the very least, I could have spoken very clearly, peacefully, explaining my position and thoughts. I did have something important to say, but I exploded it outward, like a club.

There was no need to bring about the regret that I now feel, the desire to make it better. I apologized, and I have done what I can so far. Yet I chose, in a crucial moment, to speak with anger. I called it mere "annoyance" and felt justified. I called my words "passionate" and felt justified. May this blog post move you to watch your words carefully, to stay aware of this separating wall that the internet, that blogs and emails and cell phones all provide. May these words help in some way, to remind us that words, language, communication... all these gifts come from Heaven, and He who gave them intends us to use them for good.

Remember that internal battle that I had? A fighter in a ring, in a real and external battle, does not win by willpower alone. Our better nature, the peacemaker in us, needs training and practice to overcome the anger. Consistently pausing and helping out that better nature when discovering a crucial moment will allow us to triumph and make good choices. The bad choices, the mistakes, can bring such regret as will cloud us, bind us, drag us to the ground. Let me tell you that it is rough getting out of that sort of funk.

"Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God."

(New Testament | Matthew 5:9‎)‎ (Book of Mormon | 3 Nephi 12:9)

Clicking on this link (link!) will carry you to an article with some very good ideas about email communication. The fellow (Marc, I believe) says, "Emotion portrayed in a text based email can be interpreted differently when being read by different people, in much of the same way that a well written poem or set of song lyrics can receive various interpretations by various people." He then follows that with 4 excellent points for sending emails.

If that friend happens to read this post: you were right. I have a low opinion of people with that particular quality, and so I did not want to admit to it. It is bitterly beneficial to recognize this in myself.
That is the terribly ironic point of the mistake. I was in the wrong, not wanting to believe it.
Anyway, moving on.

And a final note: in this post, I quoted some words from Edgar Allen Poe, Ambrose Bierce, and Jesus Christ. I guess I also quoted the words of this fellow, Marc. I am currently reading The Book Thief, which brightens my mind in such a terrifying, beautiful way. I love a good book. I have some choice emails in my inbox, many wise and illuminating words from many friends. The written word can be lovely.

So this post does not concern words, per se, but the writers and shapers of the words. Let us all use words more well than we do, and take particular care with the written word.

P.S. Yes, I made that last sentence just to sting you're linguistic sensibilities, or at least it stung some of you.

P.P.S. Oh, I think I'm so funny. Also, here is a comic I found on iwastesomuchtime.com