My Love/Hate Relationship with Words

I like the written word, quite a lot. However, I have difficulty using the written (or typed) word to communicate.

I use a recent example to illustrate my point, to provide the basis for the post. I recently emailed someone a question, and several other things. For reasons I did not grasp at the time, I should not have sent the email, but that isn't the point. This friend replied. A couple items in that email made me angry, but a part of me said that I could just ignore those items, let them go. A quick internal battle commenced, ending in the anger standing atop the peaceful part of me. With a desire to speak bluntly and honestly, disabusing notions in the email and reassuring (bluntly) this friend, I replied. Only after sending the email and receiving a response did I realize that the tone of the email was scathing, hurtful, brash, and disrespectful. If that conversation had happened in person, things would have been much better.

And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand-
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep- while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?

a segment of "A Dream Within a Dream" by Edgar Allen Poe

I refer to that poem, which I recently heard, because I wish very much to turn back the clock and re-do that moment, that correspondence. I cannot, and so "I weep!" I cannot, and so I wish to have the conversation again. I wish to have the conversation in person. Then I could remember tenderness, and the reality of speaking with another person, seeing their feelings. There lies the essence of this blog post: a wall separates myself and others when I text, when I email. I have just slightly begun to find tools to help with this (to imagine the person in front of me, for example), but it is too late for that conversation. It was too late the moment I started typing my reply. I hope for another conversation in the future, face to face, but it could take years to reach that point. I don't know.

(Here I diverge slightly from the main topic. Bear with me.)

My email hurt the other person very much, and when I now see this person in my mind, when I look over the separating wall, I realize that my words injured another human soul. I hurt someone. I intended clearness and bluntness, though it feels that my intentions do not matter one mote of sewage, for what I did would not change because of what I meant.

"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret."

Ambrose Bierce

There was no need for me to send that email. At the very least, I could have spoken very clearly, peacefully, explaining my position and thoughts. I did have something important to say, but I exploded it outward, like a club.

There was no need to bring about the regret that I now feel, the desire to make it better. I apologized, and I have done what I can so far. Yet I chose, in a crucial moment, to speak with anger. I called it mere "annoyance" and felt justified. I called my words "passionate" and felt justified. May this blog post move you to watch your words carefully, to stay aware of this separating wall that the internet, that blogs and emails and cell phones all provide. May these words help in some way, to remind us that words, language, communication... all these gifts come from Heaven, and He who gave them intends us to use them for good.

Remember that internal battle that I had? A fighter in a ring, in a real and external battle, does not win by willpower alone. Our better nature, the peacemaker in us, needs training and practice to overcome the anger. Consistently pausing and helping out that better nature when discovering a crucial moment will allow us to triumph and make good choices. The bad choices, the mistakes, can bring such regret as will cloud us, bind us, drag us to the ground. Let me tell you that it is rough getting out of that sort of funk.

"Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God."

(New Testament | Matthew 5:9‎)‎ (Book of Mormon | 3 Nephi 12:9)

Clicking on this link (link!) will carry you to an article with some very good ideas about email communication. The fellow (Marc, I believe) says, "Emotion portrayed in a text based email can be interpreted differently when being read by different people, in much of the same way that a well written poem or set of song lyrics can receive various interpretations by various people." He then follows that with 4 excellent points for sending emails.

If that friend happens to read this post: you were right. I have a low opinion of people with that particular quality, and so I did not want to admit to it. It is bitterly beneficial to recognize this in myself.
That is the terribly ironic point of the mistake. I was in the wrong, not wanting to believe it.
Anyway, moving on.

And a final note: in this post, I quoted some words from Edgar Allen Poe, Ambrose Bierce, and Jesus Christ. I guess I also quoted the words of this fellow, Marc. I am currently reading The Book Thief, which brightens my mind in such a terrifying, beautiful way. I love a good book. I have some choice emails in my inbox, many wise and illuminating words from many friends. The written word can be lovely.

So this post does not concern words, per se, but the writers and shapers of the words. Let us all use words more well than we do, and take particular care with the written word.

P.S. Yes, I made that last sentence just to sting you're linguistic sensibilities, or at least it stung some of you.

P.P.S. Oh, I think I'm so funny. Also, here is a comic I found on iwastesomuchtime.com

Smile and Look Forward

Yesterday, I experienced a beautiful combination of events, feelings, and people. These combined to provide me with an incredible blessing of a day. My euphoria lifted me above the clouds, above common sense, and so I stayed awake until around 1:00 am. Ha! I often ignore common sense, diving above or below it when my soul goes either direction. Tonight I will get to sleep at a good hour, for staying up that late clouds my thinking, makes for a tired morning. I did not care, though, because I felt incandescently happy and fizzy. In the not-so-distant past, I would let my regret for that choice, for staying up, hamper me even now. I would say to myself, "I was incandescently happy, but that shouldn't have kept me up. That was stupid. I know better. I can do better next time." I have felt more forgiving of myself lately, more patient. This does not mean that I will let myself grow lax; I can give myself positive reinforcement. Regret can drive a person only so far without dragging them down; regret, best used, should move one to hope for a different future, resolution to achieve that, and work, and then it should be released. I have lately dived into emotions like regret, sadness, confusion, anger... and for those who know me, these came from the break-up with my ex-girlfriend. That event is not the point of the post, though. Perhaps later, when appropriate.

Those negative emotions overwhelm me and stun me and cause me to feel, so greatly. I felt that if I focused on them while examining the reason they came about... well, I do not know what I expected. I wanted to learn, to impress on myself to not make the mistakes that brought these feelings around this time. And I suppose I had begun to feel connected, almost addicted, to these feelings. In the past, I realized that in my great times of happiness, I made many mistakes and grew careless. I had to stop letting myself grow so happy.
Well, I dive into negative emotions, think circles around them, heart beating with a mournful cadence, a quiet pounding, every thump a repressed wave of dark water, of hidden, soft mumbling from the lips of a child on the beach, the dark water wanting to embrace him.
Whew... I wax poetic on occasion. I got into that a little much, just now. And hey, only one or two brief moments got that bad. I do love thinking in circles, though...

Refocusing on the point:

I started yesterday well. I knew of many good things that I wanted to do. Which was best, though? I bounced around, indecisive. I read some of this book. I learned this song some more on the piano. I texted this person. That sort of thing. All this indecision led to doubt, slowly growing. What is the best use of my time!? What should I do? This doubt led me to an old-standby, a terrible thing of this world. I thought to myself, "That could wash it all away, could get rid of all these stupid feelings. It feels good. I could be free! I won't have to think about anything!" A very temporary solution, which does only long-term harm and very short-term "good".
In one pivotal moment, I remembered another good task to be done outside. We (my family) are expanding one window well on the side of the house. My sister will be living there, we plan to renovate that area of the basement, the window well needs to be up to code. There's the long and short of it. The ground next to this window well, though... well, I will just say that a pickaxe could serve me better than a shovel. We have no pickaxe, and I have just done the best I can with the shovel. Running into rock after rock began to dissuade me from this work, and after only 15 minutes, I went back inside. I then grasped a wispy thread of a desire to just let the darn rocks be hanged, and I went back out to do the job better, to approach it better. While doing that, I remembered to smile.

That smile worked the magic that a good smile can (a magic that I discovered recently), and my day looked up from there.

I dug through some very annoying rocks and accomplished good work. I had a fulfilling shift at my job as I began learning to value the company, find loyalty for the company, and work as a good steward for my boss (perhaps I will write more of that). I talked easily with a friend, a co-worker (not a mean feat, for me. I have times of great anxiety around people). The greatest blessing of the day came when reading the blog post of a good friend (or someone I want to be good friends with, anyhow). She posted about a recent discovery, a learning experience, which lifted her life to another level. This post brought me such powerful joy. Another friend has had good success in moving beyond her own heartbreak, in moving toward her future. I wrapped up the day watching an old Bing Crosby movie with yet another friend.

Now I worry, a little. Perhaps I elaborated too much, posing and posturing for people with all these words and talk of my learning. And I don't claim to have permanently learned these things! Writing about a thing and understanding it are two different concepts. I wrote that all, though, because I want to say some very specific things.

1. God wants to bless us. We must listen to and obey Him to receive these blessings.
2. A smile can work a magic that goes from the outside, in. Smile and nourish a good attitude about your troubles.

This link here (link) will take you to an article by Thomas S. Monson, the President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. The message helped me incredibly. I first read it a week ago, and it lifted me. I highly suggest reading this article, entitled "Living the Abundant Life". May we all smile a little more, rejoice with gratitude for goodness, and work a little harder for our good desires.

Family History: Discovering Strength

Now, Family History... has never felt very important to me. I only knew that family history involved looking through old records and finding names and dates, using these to perform temple ordinances. I did not really take to the idea of interpreting old cursive writing and sometimes illegible characters, digging through the distant past and finding names of people I don't know at all. I tried FamilySearch Indexing a few times and let it slip down the list of priorities (this was during my second year of college, I think). FamilySearch Indexing simply involves going through old records and translating the photocopies into text that the Church (for the sake of simplicity, I'll usually refer to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints as "the Church". And I do it because it's a habit) can categorize for anyone to reference. Anyway, I knew of this primarily data-focused part of the family history work and it did not excite me much.

Over the week around Christmas where I got to celebrate the season with my grandparents in Idaho, I discovered a new element to family history. First I will explain that my parents have a great desire to do this work, to research their ancestors. The Bishopric of the Ward called my Mom recently to be a Family History Consultant, so she will have even more inclination and opportunity to do this work and teach others about it.

This vacation to Idaho provided my parents with the opportunity to work on what we can call "current" family history. With an mp3 recorder, my Dad interviewed his mother, recording her life history and experiences as she related them. He then transcribed the recording and made a text version of the whole thing, which we now have as her official life history. I just started listening to the recording. I was present when they started recording, but I did not listen to the whole thing.

The recording has proved very interesting to listen to, to think about. I will listen to the whole recording (just under an hour) by the time I finish this post, but I have gotten distracted a few times. Skipping to an entirely different time period, during Thanksgiving of this last year, my ex-girlfriend asked my grandma some great questions about the farm house that we were all staying in (she came along with my family and I. I always enjoy going to McCammon, but this time was even better). All this information was there for the hearing, but I had never thought to ask. I learned that this farm house in McCammon, Idaho, had been built off the grid. No running water or electricity. It cost a huge amount of money to get the power up there. I think my grandpa built that house. Because of a bad business deal that he had (a fascinating detail in itself), he was unable to finish the basement as he wanted; didn't have the money. They moved from California, probably a comfortable little place, to a big, somewhat-unfinished, farm house without electricity or running water. That would make for a tough adjustment.

Back to the present!-(Or closer to it, at least) My grandpa did not do the same thing, did not talk while my Dad recorded. He had started to work on his life history in the way he liked and would finish it later. My parents tried to swing him over to talking on the recording, but he let his wife handle that part. On the drive back to Utah, though, my parents talked about him and several of the challenges that they have heard about, several of his experiences.

The experiences of my grandparents, the knowledge of their lives, has made my own life clearer. Family history work gives me perspective beyond the day-to-day view that I have used most of my life. It gives me a sense of the foundation behind me, of the lives lived before me that. Has anyone else felt that sense of foundation, from family history or simply getting to know their parents? In the middle of typing this blog post, one of my family asked what I was busy with. My Mom was happy that I had taken some more interest in Family History. I then asked her and my Dad to share more of their life experiences and opinions, because I am growing to want those more. Right then she started in on her younger years, and how she used to be boy-crazy and swing across a ditch hanging onto strands of a willow tree. It was excellent! We even moved on to the part where she was in labor with me for 30+ hours. That part I had heard about before (no way she would let me remain ignorant of all that work she did). (Edit: I just finished reading my grandma's life history. My grandparents' life goals are already a source of inspiration to build my life well. Family History is awesome)

• D&C 138 This whole section of the Doctrine and Covenants gives us great knowledge of those waiting for the work to be done, and those doing the work on the other side.

Give Family History a shot if you have not already, in some form. Try FamilySearch Indexing out, for example! You can easily become involved in a huge project that helps people all over to research their ancestors and find their own earthly foundations. Most importantly, this can help the progress of performing the temple ordinances for those who did not have the chance to do so in life. Here is the link to the main page: FamilySearch Indexing. There are a couple of items you need before you can start (primarily your membership record number, if you are a member of the LDS church, but you can easily overcome that challenge. Just talk to the Ward secretary about getting the number.) But any form of Family History can bless your life (taking names of ancestors to the temple, in particular). I am starting FamilySearch Indexing again, and I will get more involved with my parents' research. So, comment if you have felt the blessing of Family History in any way. I would love to hear about it.

Tunnel Singing and Sight-Reading

I like tunnel singing. For those who have not heard of this or don't know yet what it is, "tunnel singing" is an activity that happens in the Provo area, under a bridge next to the Mariott Center. A large group of young people (predominantly or solely of the LDS faith and students at BYU) gather together to sing hymns out of the LDS hymnbook (LDS hymns online). The hour-long session starts out with some favorite hymns, we take a break to recognize guys and gals who have gotten mission calls that past week, and then finish off with the more somber or reverent hymns.

My ex-girlfriend, Jasmine, introduced me to this activity. I went first with her and my sister, Amy. As I said at the very first, I like tunnel singing. I don't love it. I really like hearing a song sung with many strong and nice voices, sung with vigor, sung by a bunch of young people like me. I like getting together with friends and sharing enthusiasm of favorite songs (or confusion with the rarely-sung hymns). I like the atmosphere, for the most part. I don't care for the moments when people will shout out and talk, or the moments when someone will go overboard and mess around with a hymn. One tradition that I don't care for is the enthusiastic yell of "Let's baptize!" in the middle of "Called to Serve". Yeah, it isn't a terrible thing, but it distracts me a tad.

Tonight was relatively reverent. There were very quiet moments that I liked a lot, and I realized that I am the only who can invest myself in the hymns, who can seek to feel the Spirit. I have allowed myself to be acted upon, not to act, which is what God intends us to do.

• And now, my sons, I speak unto you these things for your profit and learning; for there is a God, and he hath created all things, both the heavens and the earth, and all things that in them are, both things to act and things to be acted upon.

(Book of Mormon | 2 Nephi 2:14‎)‎ (emphasis added)

Anyway, tunnel singing is a very good thing. Next time, I will invest myself even more and connect to the hymns. It's an opportunity to get great practice on the parts, too.

Oh! I just remembered that this post had a second piece to the title. This year I will learn to sight-read. I mean, it will not take me the whole year to get the basics down, but that is a New Year's Resolution. See, when I learn to sight-read, I can sing the hymns and play them to myself when I like. Besides that will come the excellent ability to play hymns in church as needed and play hymns on my mission, when I serve. Reminder to self: start tomorrow. Do not put this off. Start practicing tomorrow. I made the resolution a few days ago... and I have put it off. Not the best way to start.

If you want to try tunnel singing and you will be around the Provo area on a Sunday, I would love to help you find the place. It happens at 10:00 most every Sunday night. Perhaps it does not happen on nights with extreme weather, but I have no idea. They (or I should say "we") all meet just South of the Marriott Center. If you go there and get out of the car, you'll probably hear us.

Oh, Kids

I love kids. I feel completely at ease hanging out around kids, playing with them. I attribute this to my early years in Bountiful, Utah. My family lived in a condominium, and I was not very socially adept. So, I didn't make very many friends at school, and the kids in the other condominiums were usually younger than me. I hung out with many young kids, partly for their gaming consoles or cool Pokémon cards and mostly because I wanted friends.

Okay, I don't want to get caught diving into speculation about my psychological makeup and influences from that time. That's not what I meant to do; it comes naturally.


(Switching tracks; here are two pictures of little children. And a couple animals.)

Kids... are wonderful. The cousins on my mother's side are around my age, fun to get along with. I have many good memories of sleepovers with my older cousins, board games and football in front yards. I am, however, the oldest grandchild on my father's side, which gives me many young cousins to play with! I have wrestled with all the younger ones many, many times, had pillow fights, ridden four-wheelers, just hung out with them, etc. I've also had some great neighbors here in Orem. The Medlyn family had some young kids that I loved to hang out with, but they've moved to Lehi since. Right now I get to hang out with the current neighbor boys, the Ellingsons. The youngest is such a joy to spend time with, to interact with, or even just to watch. He is getting so much more verbal! Oh! And I can't forget my ex-girlfriends two youngest sisters. Such innocent, bright souls... my problems and difficulties melt away when I spend time with these girls, or any young kids.

I guess there really is something angelic about them. They are fresh from Heaven, after all.

"Not in entire forgetfulness, 

And not in utter nakedness, 

But trailing clouds of glory do we come 

From God, who is our home: 

Heaven lies about us in our infancy!"

That is a segment from a poem by William Wordsworth. Most sites titled it as "Ode on Intimations of Immortality from Recollections of Early Childhood". In any case, the innocence, purity, and energy of youth always brightens my day. They are also examples to us older people, and treasured by Heavenly Father. Here are some scriptures I found with a quick search in LDS View. (an excellent way to navigate and search the scriptures. LDS View main page)

• And now, he imparteth his word by angels unto men, yea, not only men but women also. Now this is not all; little children do have words given unto them many times, which confound the wise and the learned.

(Book of Mormon | Alma 32:23‎)‎

• Therefore, whoso repenteth and cometh unto me as a little child, him will I receive, for of such is the kingdom of God. Behold, for such I have laid down my life, and have taken it up again; therefore repent, and come unto me ye ends of the earth, and be saved.

(Book of Mormon | 3 Nephi 9:22‎)‎

• And again I say unto you, ye must repent, and become as a little child, and be baptized in my name, or ye can in nowise receive these things. And again I say unto you, ye must repent, and be baptized in my name, and become as a little child, or ye can in nowise inherit the kingdom of God.

(Book of Mormon | 3 Nephi 11:37–38‎)‎

(This is important enough for us that we nearly have the exact same scripture twice.)


Someday, I hope to have children of my own. I hope to be a father that my children can look up to, a father after the manner of my dad, and my grandpa, and essentially our Father in heaven. What an incredible task it will be, to have such a responsibility. I take comfort in this quote from one of the greatest men I know about:

"You cannot expect to do it alone. You need heaven’s help in rearing heaven’s child—your child, who is also the child of his or her Heavenly Father....
"O God, our Eternal Father, bless the parents to teach with love and patience and encouragement those who are most precious, the children who have come from Thee, that together they might be safeguarded and directed for good and, in the process of growth, bring blessings to the world of which they will be a part." - Gordon B. Hinckley


So, there is my post of gratitude for children, and how much of a blessing they are. May we all have more gratitude and love and respect for the young children, no matter what mischief and trouble they may make. Please comment if you have anything to add, or if you've ever heard a little child "confound the wise and the learned."

The video below is titled "Kid History - Episode 1", by BoredShortsTV. These little kids are fantastic, and I think the creators are geniuses.

This Blog

I have never had a blog, but I want to try it out. I mean, I created this blog account months and months ago. It has simply waited for me patiently. Well, blog? Here I am. Now what do I do?

I'm going to say I start writing about the blog itself. I titled this "Onward, Ever Onward" because that is the direction that I want to move in, and the phrase comes from an LDS hymn. I like this reminder, especially now, because there are so many forces that pull us forward and backward, or even sideways. It is good to be aware of these forces, and with this knowledge to adjust accordingly. Regret has a powerful pull, and Heaven knows I have plenty of that right now. I usually have a small amount of regret any time of the day. Wah-wah. Pessimism. Sin. Plenty of that, too. Over-analyzing is a big one for me. Thanks to my very wise friend Mr. Therapy Man (that'll suffice for now), I have become much more able to combat this one. This one has caused me a great amount of grief, and it teamed up with the other negative forces to freeze me in place or drag me backward a little, which has lost me so much time and a couple relationships. Addiction and bad habits. Two huge forces in my life, which I am making real progress against now, at last.

Blah, blah, blah. Negative forces, evil things. Good to understand. Not the best to study.

I wanted to get all those out of the way. To be honest, those are the first forces I think of. Now we can move to the good ones. Gratitude. Service. Love. Love. Love is an incredible, powerful force for good. True love of worthwhile things, of good people. Love from people. We have hope, faith, and every good thing "which inviteth and enticeth to do good continually ... to love God, and to serve him ... and [persuades us] to believe in Christ."

(Quick side note: I will quote scriptures from  The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ in this blog. I will also speak of my beliefs often.)

There are forces that want to pull us backward and forces that want to pull us forward. They are like... ropes that we can twine around ourselves, or grab onto. Those negative forces often twine around us without our knowing, or at least without our knowing how serious this is, to be wrapped in these things. The good forces can twine around us also. This twining takes time. In the case of the good forces, the good ties that bind, it takes some focus. The negative forces are easy.

So, I have always had a desire to move onward, but this desire has gotten muddled and foiled many times by negative forces that I was not aware of, or more often did not care about. I hope this blog can serve as a springboard for ideas, for comments that will help us all understand more the forces of Good and Evil, God and Satan. The shoulder-devil and the shoulder-angel, if you will! Of course, not all of my posts will be this heavy and introspective and all that. Yuck. On that note...

There is much to be said for laughter, and for simplicity. If you consider all that stuff about good and evil forces to be complicated and weird, good for you! That's just fine! At times I have trouble knowing when I have over-analyzed something uselessly. With some things, I just need to stop thinking and move toward good things, believe and then go.

Well, that was a fun experiment in rambling! I could edit this blog post for clarity and focus and organization, but I'll just give you unedited Adam. I hope it was illuminating in some way, or that you liked my funny picture. If you ever want to talk, ever want someone to talk to, please contact me. Yes, you, reader, whoever you might be. (If we're already friends, excellent. Contact me anyway!)We're all moving through life on our journeys, and I believe we are all connected. Isn't it just great to talk to other people about just anything? Ah, people. I love 'em. And kids; little people are my favorite. That may just be the next topic of my blog: how wonderful children are.