A New Me - Challenge Round

We change.

Day by day, week by week, month by month, and so on.

Humans change. Sons and daughters of God, children and men and women, they all change.

I have changed a great deal these last few years in particular, but then my beautiful fiancee Taylor and my inspiring mother Patricia go through old baby pictures of me and I realize I am something entirely different than what I used to be.

How do we become comfortable with a new identity? What do we even do with ourselves?

(full disclosure: I am hungry right now, and that is probably causing this post to read more like sleepy ramblings; just roll with me while I talk these thoughts out.)

The answer? I think it is my choice. Everything is my choice (or everything of concern is my choice, at least). I acknowledge that pieces of me have stuck around for my entire life, pieces of me have fallen behind or been repressed in favor of other elements, and some parts are entirely new.
And then I choose.

I choose to write a blog post about these sensations with the goal of inspiring someone to introspect and improve their own lives.
I choose to prepare an interesting D&D module because I love sharing and creating great stories with friends.
I choose to plan a great day with my fiancee where we accomplish good work and draw close to fulfilling important goals.
I choose to go into work tomorrow and unite my whole outlook with the goals of the company, because anything less is just sad and ultimately less.

If I had to point to any major change in myself between my childhood and this version of Adam right now, it would be this: I no longer feel like a leaf floating with the wind. I realize more the range of choice, and my own power to choose, than ever before. That is terrifying for someone so used to finding a degree of happiness and fulfillment by simply riding the flow. This (life, and happiness, and fulfillment, and what I give to the world) is up to me. The responsibility to choose and become and act... well, my success is squarely in my hands.

I am changing into a man.
Thank goodness. This is the kind of person I needed to become in order to propose marriage to the love of my life, the powerful and beautiful Taylor, and I need to keep changing in order to be the best possible husband and someday father. This is a daunting and exciting challenge. That is why I have chosen the focus/resolution word challenge for 2017.

How have you changed? Think about it for a minute and appreciate how different you are from your time as a child. If you have existential thoughts similar to mine floating in your head, please share some of your story in the comments.

The Parable of the Spill

Maybe I should do one of those, "The thoughts and opinions of this post do not necessarily represent the official doctrine of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints". Anyway, here goes.

Behold, a college student went forth to his refrigerator. This refrigerator contained all manner of food, and it had begun to be full. Verily, the student did not take care; when he went to place an Applebee's carry-out box on the top shelf, a full container of tomato sauce did straightway fall off of the shelf. As it fell, the student thought, "Woe is me, for I know not how to catch such a whirling and oblong object. Perhaps it will land gently and not break open." Behold, it broke open. And it got everywhere. The sauce did splatter into the deep and dark crevices of the refrigerator insomuch that the student cried out, "Aw, man." Knowing that the problem must be dealt with, the young man seized paper towels and washcloth, beginning to be intrigued by the spiritual metaphor inherent in such an event. He did not mourn unduly, but straightway began to clean one area at a time. He had to pull out parts of the refrigerator and examine hidden corners. He could work only one section at a time, though the mess was exceedingly large. He had to return to the sink many times to seek the Water (*wink*) and its cleansing power over the rag. In time, he did finish cleaning the mess he had created, and straightway began considering a blog post.

I enjoyed writing that little narrative-parable. I humbly remind you that if you have made messes in your life, if you have made mistakes and have found large pools of gunk to clean up, it is your responsibility to clean up. Jesus Christ will help if you seek Him (and we definitely need His help), but the clean up will take persistence and dedication. As huge as it may be, you can work on one bit at a time, one hour, one afternoon, one day at a time. I heard lately, "Get up, do your part, and I will do what you cannot do." That struck me hard, clarifying my thoughts on the principle of salvation by grace and works, which I believe. Healing by grace and works. Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints once said, "When a person requested a priesthood blessing, Brigham Young would ask, “Have you used any remedies?” To those who said no because “we wish the Elders to lay hands upon us, and we have faith that we shall be healed,” President Young replied: “That is very inconsistent according to my faith. If we are sick, and ask the Lord to heal us, and to do all for us that is necessary to be done, according to my understanding of the Gospel of salvation, I might as well ask the Lord to cause my wheat and corn to grow, without my plowing the ground and casting in the seed. It appears consistent to me to apply every remedy that comes within the range of my knowledge, and [then] to ask my Father in Heaven … to sanctify that application to the healing of my body.” (April 2010 General Conference, "Healing the Sick", quoting Discourses of Brigham Young, sel. John A. Widtsoe (1954) ) True, Brigham Young and Elder Oaks spoke of physical health, but I wanted to use that comment to emphasize the work that we have to do when dealing with a mess in our live.

Could I have avoided the mess? Yes. I could have taken more care with the container, or done my best to catch it as it fell. Will it serve any of us to wonder how our lives would have been without those big mistakes, to repeatedly imagine that we could have been better? I say nope. Just keep swimming, everyone. Keep moving forward. Looking backwards is only useful in moderation. But you don't have to take my word for it, as Lavar Burton used to say on TV.

(Man, I haven't thought about Reading Rainbow in ages. Now I want to find a DVD set or something.)

Here I am on a Thursday night with little to do. Why not write? I have begun a story, thanks to my Fantasy Literature class with the excellent Professor Doni Jeffery-Harris. (Or perhaps she doesn't have "Professor" in front of her name. I've forgotten.) I wrote a little bit more, several minutes ago. The interest dried up quickly. Or, you know, the fleeting and light interest I can summon up for anything right now. I feel very relaxed, with no particular desire to change anything. I have a party at 11:00 pm tonight (late, right?), and so I've wondered what I can do before I leave. I could watch the second episode of Firefly, the oh-so-awesome-yet-somehow-short-lived space western created by Joss Whedon and other people. I could hop on my brother's Xbox 360 and sail on the seas of 1775 as Connor Kenway, the newest member of the Brotherhood of the Assassin's. I could even keep reading the excellent book Dance Improvisation, which I picked it up for enjoyment and education, wanting to prepare for a class at UVU next semester.

These options (besides the writing) all require intake. I spend so much of my day taking in information, processing it (I work in a data-entry sort of position), and repeating the cycle; taking in information gets old. Writing a story or a blog entry means... ex-take... outtake... output! There's the word I wanted.

Output. All y'all watching Netflix and TV and playing games? Make sure to dedicate time and energy to output in your life. Write, paint, speak, create. Dance, sew, carve. Compose, arrange, draw. Avoid doing these things clinically and do not judge your work. Just do it. Express from your heart. I promise that doing so will serve you well. Your drawing doesn't need to be a masterpiece. Just doodle, I say.

I know now what I will do!

Nap!

I've got a late party coming up and typing has konked me out. Sometimes it's just time for a nap. :)

My Love/Hate Relationship with Words

I like the written word, quite a lot. However, I have difficulty using the written (or typed) word to communicate.

I use a recent example to illustrate my point, to provide the basis for the post. I recently emailed someone a question, and several other things. For reasons I did not grasp at the time, I should not have sent the email, but that isn't the point. This friend replied. A couple items in that email made me angry, but a part of me said that I could just ignore those items, let them go. A quick internal battle commenced, ending in the anger standing atop the peaceful part of me. With a desire to speak bluntly and honestly, disabusing notions in the email and reassuring (bluntly) this friend, I replied. Only after sending the email and receiving a response did I realize that the tone of the email was scathing, hurtful, brash, and disrespectful. If that conversation had happened in person, things would have been much better.

And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand-
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep- while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?

a segment of "A Dream Within a Dream" by Edgar Allen Poe

I refer to that poem, which I recently heard, because I wish very much to turn back the clock and re-do that moment, that correspondence. I cannot, and so "I weep!" I cannot, and so I wish to have the conversation again. I wish to have the conversation in person. Then I could remember tenderness, and the reality of speaking with another person, seeing their feelings. There lies the essence of this blog post: a wall separates myself and others when I text, when I email. I have just slightly begun to find tools to help with this (to imagine the person in front of me, for example), but it is too late for that conversation. It was too late the moment I started typing my reply. I hope for another conversation in the future, face to face, but it could take years to reach that point. I don't know.

(Here I diverge slightly from the main topic. Bear with me.)

My email hurt the other person very much, and when I now see this person in my mind, when I look over the separating wall, I realize that my words injured another human soul. I hurt someone. I intended clearness and bluntness, though it feels that my intentions do not matter one mote of sewage, for what I did would not change because of what I meant.

"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret."

Ambrose Bierce

There was no need for me to send that email. At the very least, I could have spoken very clearly, peacefully, explaining my position and thoughts. I did have something important to say, but I exploded it outward, like a club.

There was no need to bring about the regret that I now feel, the desire to make it better. I apologized, and I have done what I can so far. Yet I chose, in a crucial moment, to speak with anger. I called it mere "annoyance" and felt justified. I called my words "passionate" and felt justified. May this blog post move you to watch your words carefully, to stay aware of this separating wall that the internet, that blogs and emails and cell phones all provide. May these words help in some way, to remind us that words, language, communication... all these gifts come from Heaven, and He who gave them intends us to use them for good.

Remember that internal battle that I had? A fighter in a ring, in a real and external battle, does not win by willpower alone. Our better nature, the peacemaker in us, needs training and practice to overcome the anger. Consistently pausing and helping out that better nature when discovering a crucial moment will allow us to triumph and make good choices. The bad choices, the mistakes, can bring such regret as will cloud us, bind us, drag us to the ground. Let me tell you that it is rough getting out of that sort of funk.

"Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God."

(New Testament | Matthew 5:9‎)‎ (Book of Mormon | 3 Nephi 12:9)

Clicking on this link (link!) will carry you to an article with some very good ideas about email communication. The fellow (Marc, I believe) says, "Emotion portrayed in a text based email can be interpreted differently when being read by different people, in much of the same way that a well written poem or set of song lyrics can receive various interpretations by various people." He then follows that with 4 excellent points for sending emails.

If that friend happens to read this post: you were right. I have a low opinion of people with that particular quality, and so I did not want to admit to it. It is bitterly beneficial to recognize this in myself.
That is the terribly ironic point of the mistake. I was in the wrong, not wanting to believe it.
Anyway, moving on.

And a final note: in this post, I quoted some words from Edgar Allen Poe, Ambrose Bierce, and Jesus Christ. I guess I also quoted the words of this fellow, Marc. I am currently reading The Book Thief, which brightens my mind in such a terrifying, beautiful way. I love a good book. I have some choice emails in my inbox, many wise and illuminating words from many friends. The written word can be lovely.

So this post does not concern words, per se, but the writers and shapers of the words. Let us all use words more well than we do, and take particular care with the written word.

P.S. Yes, I made that last sentence just to sting you're linguistic sensibilities, or at least it stung some of you.

P.P.S. Oh, I think I'm so funny. Also, here is a comic I found on iwastesomuchtime.com

Smile and Look Forward

Yesterday, I experienced a beautiful combination of events, feelings, and people. These combined to provide me with an incredible blessing of a day. My euphoria lifted me above the clouds, above common sense, and so I stayed awake until around 1:00 am. Ha! I often ignore common sense, diving above or below it when my soul goes either direction. Tonight I will get to sleep at a good hour, for staying up that late clouds my thinking, makes for a tired morning. I did not care, though, because I felt incandescently happy and fizzy. In the not-so-distant past, I would let my regret for that choice, for staying up, hamper me even now. I would say to myself, "I was incandescently happy, but that shouldn't have kept me up. That was stupid. I know better. I can do better next time." I have felt more forgiving of myself lately, more patient. This does not mean that I will let myself grow lax; I can give myself positive reinforcement. Regret can drive a person only so far without dragging them down; regret, best used, should move one to hope for a different future, resolution to achieve that, and work, and then it should be released. I have lately dived into emotions like regret, sadness, confusion, anger... and for those who know me, these came from the break-up with my ex-girlfriend. That event is not the point of the post, though. Perhaps later, when appropriate.

Those negative emotions overwhelm me and stun me and cause me to feel, so greatly. I felt that if I focused on them while examining the reason they came about... well, I do not know what I expected. I wanted to learn, to impress on myself to not make the mistakes that brought these feelings around this time. And I suppose I had begun to feel connected, almost addicted, to these feelings. In the past, I realized that in my great times of happiness, I made many mistakes and grew careless. I had to stop letting myself grow so happy.
Well, I dive into negative emotions, think circles around them, heart beating with a mournful cadence, a quiet pounding, every thump a repressed wave of dark water, of hidden, soft mumbling from the lips of a child on the beach, the dark water wanting to embrace him.
Whew... I wax poetic on occasion. I got into that a little much, just now. And hey, only one or two brief moments got that bad. I do love thinking in circles, though...

Refocusing on the point:

I started yesterday well. I knew of many good things that I wanted to do. Which was best, though? I bounced around, indecisive. I read some of this book. I learned this song some more on the piano. I texted this person. That sort of thing. All this indecision led to doubt, slowly growing. What is the best use of my time!? What should I do? This doubt led me to an old-standby, a terrible thing of this world. I thought to myself, "That could wash it all away, could get rid of all these stupid feelings. It feels good. I could be free! I won't have to think about anything!" A very temporary solution, which does only long-term harm and very short-term "good".
In one pivotal moment, I remembered another good task to be done outside. We (my family) are expanding one window well on the side of the house. My sister will be living there, we plan to renovate that area of the basement, the window well needs to be up to code. There's the long and short of it. The ground next to this window well, though... well, I will just say that a pickaxe could serve me better than a shovel. We have no pickaxe, and I have just done the best I can with the shovel. Running into rock after rock began to dissuade me from this work, and after only 15 minutes, I went back inside. I then grasped a wispy thread of a desire to just let the darn rocks be hanged, and I went back out to do the job better, to approach it better. While doing that, I remembered to smile.

That smile worked the magic that a good smile can (a magic that I discovered recently), and my day looked up from there.

I dug through some very annoying rocks and accomplished good work. I had a fulfilling shift at my job as I began learning to value the company, find loyalty for the company, and work as a good steward for my boss (perhaps I will write more of that). I talked easily with a friend, a co-worker (not a mean feat, for me. I have times of great anxiety around people). The greatest blessing of the day came when reading the blog post of a good friend (or someone I want to be good friends with, anyhow). She posted about a recent discovery, a learning experience, which lifted her life to another level. This post brought me such powerful joy. Another friend has had good success in moving beyond her own heartbreak, in moving toward her future. I wrapped up the day watching an old Bing Crosby movie with yet another friend.

Now I worry, a little. Perhaps I elaborated too much, posing and posturing for people with all these words and talk of my learning. And I don't claim to have permanently learned these things! Writing about a thing and understanding it are two different concepts. I wrote that all, though, because I want to say some very specific things.

1. God wants to bless us. We must listen to and obey Him to receive these blessings.
2. A smile can work a magic that goes from the outside, in. Smile and nourish a good attitude about your troubles.

This link here (link) will take you to an article by Thomas S. Monson, the President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. The message helped me incredibly. I first read it a week ago, and it lifted me. I highly suggest reading this article, entitled "Living the Abundant Life". May we all smile a little more, rejoice with gratitude for goodness, and work a little harder for our good desires.

Family History: Discovering Strength

Now, Family History... has never felt very important to me. I only knew that family history involved looking through old records and finding names and dates, using these to perform temple ordinances. I did not really take to the idea of interpreting old cursive writing and sometimes illegible characters, digging through the distant past and finding names of people I don't know at all. I tried FamilySearch Indexing a few times and let it slip down the list of priorities (this was during my second year of college, I think). FamilySearch Indexing simply involves going through old records and translating the photocopies into text that the Church (for the sake of simplicity, I'll usually refer to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints as "the Church". And I do it because it's a habit) can categorize for anyone to reference. Anyway, I knew of this primarily data-focused part of the family history work and it did not excite me much.

Over the week around Christmas where I got to celebrate the season with my grandparents in Idaho, I discovered a new element to family history. First I will explain that my parents have a great desire to do this work, to research their ancestors. The Bishopric of the Ward called my Mom recently to be a Family History Consultant, so she will have even more inclination and opportunity to do this work and teach others about it.

This vacation to Idaho provided my parents with the opportunity to work on what we can call "current" family history. With an mp3 recorder, my Dad interviewed his mother, recording her life history and experiences as she related them. He then transcribed the recording and made a text version of the whole thing, which we now have as her official life history. I just started listening to the recording. I was present when they started recording, but I did not listen to the whole thing.

The recording has proved very interesting to listen to, to think about. I will listen to the whole recording (just under an hour) by the time I finish this post, but I have gotten distracted a few times. Skipping to an entirely different time period, during Thanksgiving of this last year, my ex-girlfriend asked my grandma some great questions about the farm house that we were all staying in (she came along with my family and I. I always enjoy going to McCammon, but this time was even better). All this information was there for the hearing, but I had never thought to ask. I learned that this farm house in McCammon, Idaho, had been built off the grid. No running water or electricity. It cost a huge amount of money to get the power up there. I think my grandpa built that house. Because of a bad business deal that he had (a fascinating detail in itself), he was unable to finish the basement as he wanted; didn't have the money. They moved from California, probably a comfortable little place, to a big, somewhat-unfinished, farm house without electricity or running water. That would make for a tough adjustment.

Back to the present!-(Or closer to it, at least) My grandpa did not do the same thing, did not talk while my Dad recorded. He had started to work on his life history in the way he liked and would finish it later. My parents tried to swing him over to talking on the recording, but he let his wife handle that part. On the drive back to Utah, though, my parents talked about him and several of the challenges that they have heard about, several of his experiences.

The experiences of my grandparents, the knowledge of their lives, has made my own life clearer. Family history work gives me perspective beyond the day-to-day view that I have used most of my life. It gives me a sense of the foundation behind me, of the lives lived before me that. Has anyone else felt that sense of foundation, from family history or simply getting to know their parents? In the middle of typing this blog post, one of my family asked what I was busy with. My Mom was happy that I had taken some more interest in Family History. I then asked her and my Dad to share more of their life experiences and opinions, because I am growing to want those more. Right then she started in on her younger years, and how she used to be boy-crazy and swing across a ditch hanging onto strands of a willow tree. It was excellent! We even moved on to the part where she was in labor with me for 30+ hours. That part I had heard about before (no way she would let me remain ignorant of all that work she did). (Edit: I just finished reading my grandma's life history. My grandparents' life goals are already a source of inspiration to build my life well. Family History is awesome)

• D&C 138 This whole section of the Doctrine and Covenants gives us great knowledge of those waiting for the work to be done, and those doing the work on the other side.

Give Family History a shot if you have not already, in some form. Try FamilySearch Indexing out, for example! You can easily become involved in a huge project that helps people all over to research their ancestors and find their own earthly foundations. Most importantly, this can help the progress of performing the temple ordinances for those who did not have the chance to do so in life. Here is the link to the main page: FamilySearch Indexing. There are a couple of items you need before you can start (primarily your membership record number, if you are a member of the LDS church, but you can easily overcome that challenge. Just talk to the Ward secretary about getting the number.) But any form of Family History can bless your life (taking names of ancestors to the temple, in particular). I am starting FamilySearch Indexing again, and I will get more involved with my parents' research. So, comment if you have felt the blessing of Family History in any way. I would love to hear about it.

Tunnel Singing and Sight-Reading

I like tunnel singing. For those who have not heard of this or don't know yet what it is, "tunnel singing" is an activity that happens in the Provo area, under a bridge next to the Mariott Center. A large group of young people (predominantly or solely of the LDS faith and students at BYU) gather together to sing hymns out of the LDS hymnbook (LDS hymns online). The hour-long session starts out with some favorite hymns, we take a break to recognize guys and gals who have gotten mission calls that past week, and then finish off with the more somber or reverent hymns.

My ex-girlfriend, Jasmine, introduced me to this activity. I went first with her and my sister, Amy. As I said at the very first, I like tunnel singing. I don't love it. I really like hearing a song sung with many strong and nice voices, sung with vigor, sung by a bunch of young people like me. I like getting together with friends and sharing enthusiasm of favorite songs (or confusion with the rarely-sung hymns). I like the atmosphere, for the most part. I don't care for the moments when people will shout out and talk, or the moments when someone will go overboard and mess around with a hymn. One tradition that I don't care for is the enthusiastic yell of "Let's baptize!" in the middle of "Called to Serve". Yeah, it isn't a terrible thing, but it distracts me a tad.

Tonight was relatively reverent. There were very quiet moments that I liked a lot, and I realized that I am the only who can invest myself in the hymns, who can seek to feel the Spirit. I have allowed myself to be acted upon, not to act, which is what God intends us to do.

• And now, my sons, I speak unto you these things for your profit and learning; for there is a God, and he hath created all things, both the heavens and the earth, and all things that in them are, both things to act and things to be acted upon.

(Book of Mormon | 2 Nephi 2:14‎)‎ (emphasis added)

Anyway, tunnel singing is a very good thing. Next time, I will invest myself even more and connect to the hymns. It's an opportunity to get great practice on the parts, too.

Oh! I just remembered that this post had a second piece to the title. This year I will learn to sight-read. I mean, it will not take me the whole year to get the basics down, but that is a New Year's Resolution. See, when I learn to sight-read, I can sing the hymns and play them to myself when I like. Besides that will come the excellent ability to play hymns in church as needed and play hymns on my mission, when I serve. Reminder to self: start tomorrow. Do not put this off. Start practicing tomorrow. I made the resolution a few days ago... and I have put it off. Not the best way to start.

If you want to try tunnel singing and you will be around the Provo area on a Sunday, I would love to help you find the place. It happens at 10:00 most every Sunday night. Perhaps it does not happen on nights with extreme weather, but I have no idea. They (or I should say "we") all meet just South of the Marriott Center. If you go there and get out of the car, you'll probably hear us.